1. Your partner's pubic hair.
It's in your teeth, on your tongue, and in your throat. It wants to take over your body and assimilate you. It's like Contagion but you are doing it to yourself! The struggle is real.
It's in your teeth, on your tongue, and in your throat. It wants to take over your body and assimilate you. It's like Contagion but you are doing it to yourself! The struggle is real.
2. Your hair.
When you start sex, you want your hair to look all flow-y and gorgeous like Disney's Pocohantas's as she sings about what's around the river bend (just around the river bend!) but when you really get going down there, shit gets complicated because one-quarter of that hair will get in your mouth. But since you weren't totally planning on giving a blowie, you don't have a rubber band so you try to hold your hair back with one hand which means your other hand has to work overtime to both help with the blow job and also keep you propped up and finally you are so tired that you must start to use the hair hand and you're right back where you started, spitting out wads of sweaty strands and coughing up hairballs.
When you start sex, you want your hair to look all flow-y and gorgeous like Disney's Pocohantas's as she sings about what's around the river bend (just around the river bend!) but when you really get going down there, shit gets complicated because one-quarter of that hair will get in your mouth. But since you weren't totally planning on giving a blowie, you don't have a rubber band so you try to hold your hair back with one hand which means your other hand has to work overtime to both help with the blow job and also keep you propped up and finally you are so tired that you must start to use the hair hand and you're right back where you started, spitting out wads of sweaty strands and coughing up hairballs.
3. Jaw pain.
How do you exercise for blow jobs? By eating a lot dick-shaped foods? Are there dumbbells but for your jaw muscles? Should I start pulling Central Park carriages around with my mouth? What's the solution here?
How do you exercise for blow jobs? By eating a lot dick-shaped foods? Are there dumbbells but for your jaw muscles? Should I start pulling Central Park carriages around with my mouth? What's the solution here?
4. His hand on your head.
Nope. His hand pulling your hair. Double nope. (Unless you talked about this beforehand and this is something you're both very much into; if that's the case, push away!)
Nope. His hand pulling your hair. Double nope. (Unless you talked about this beforehand and this is something you're both very much into; if that's the case, push away!)
5. Bo-ring!
It's like watching a stranger's wedding tape but less entertaining and harder on your neck.
It's like watching a stranger's wedding tape but less entertaining and harder on your neck.
6. It's work.
It's not called a "blow walk in the park" for a reason, people.
It's not called a "blow walk in the park" for a reason, people.
7. When it pokes you in the eye.
You're not about to get a pirate patch just because some fool tried to take out your cornea with his ding-dong
You're not about to get a pirate patch just because some fool tried to take out your cornea with his ding-dong
8. When he moans loudly.
Please enjoy this shit quietly so I can watch the So You Think You Can Dance finale in the background. We both deserve to be happy
Please enjoy this shit quietly so I can watch the So You Think You Can Dance finale in the background. We both deserve to be happy
9. When he comes in your mouth.
You thought you were ready. You are never ready.
You thought you were ready. You are never ready.
10. When it's done.
Just everything about this stage of the processes. Someone call the CDC because you need a Hazmat suit and a martini.
Just everything about this stage of the processes. Someone call the CDC because you need a Hazmat suit and a martini.
11. When you're trying to take a nap and it's all in your face.
Didn't you just give him a blow job last month? That's like seven minutes ago in blow job time! (For the giver; for the receiver, it's seven years ago. But that's not your problem.)
Didn't you just give him a blow job last month? That's like seven minutes ago in blow job time! (For the giver; for the receiver, it's seven years ago. But that's not your problem.)
12. When you really want him to go down on you but you know you have to give a blow job in return.
Aka the only time you legitimately wish you'd just had a root canal.
Aka the only time you legitimately wish you'd just had a root canal.
13. Brushing your teeth right after.
Which includes the other problem of pubic hair in your toothbrush. BRB, crying and then never sleeping again.
Which includes the other problem of pubic hair in your toothbrush. BRB, crying and then never sleeping again.
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