7. Draco Malfoy is a werewolf
Draco Malfoy was a real dickweed, yeah, but he sort of got dealt a bad hand. Imagine if you were born to the wizard version of a Klan Grand Dragon -- you'd probably end up an arrogant d-bag, too.
At the start of the books, Draco seems pretty into the Fantasy Nazi deal and the unpleasant magical slurs that come with it. But eventually, it starts gnawing away at him. At his heart, Draco didn't have the stomach for Death Eating. Towards the end of the series, it becomes clear that Draco is having a physical reaction to the stresses and inner-conflict of being apart of Voldemort's crowd.
Well that, and he's also dealing with being a werewolf.
Though bearing a dark mark would take its toll on anyone, hiding a werewolf curse might be even more difficult. But how would Draco become afflicted?
Well, one of Voldemort's very good chaps happens to be Fenrir Greyback, and with a name like that you could never be anything other than a werewolf.
Not only is this the werewolf that bit Remus Lupin, but he's also known to infect the young so they grow up resenting humanity. Voldemort seized upon the latter quality, enlisting Greyback to bite the children of Death Eaters who have failed him. Now, who do we know who has failed the Dark Lord?
So this whole time, Draco was struggling with having Magic Hitler breathing down his neck, but on top of that, he was made into a werewolf as punishment for his father's failings.
It makes sense if you think about it; Draco and Snape already have a weird relationship -- it would make it even more complex if the student was relying on his professor for Wolfsbane potions to keep the monster at bay. It really gives you a new perspective on Draco, who was unsympathetic for most of the series.
So, the next time you hear Draco Malfoy call someone a "filthy mudblood," well, you can probably still hate him because that's a totally uncool thing to say.
6. Albus Dumbledore is an elderly, time-traveling Ron Weasley
Though we do get some peeks into his past, Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore remains a mystery as large and luxurious as that beard of his. We know that he suffered many losses early in his life, and that he's secretly gay, but it's still tough to shake the feeling that we don't really know him at all. What does he like to do in his spare time, besides play the candy version of Russian Roulette with earwax-flavored jelly beans?
Well, there's a reason Dumbledore is so secretive and ilusive about his past: It's because he's really Ron Weasley from the future.
According to a popular theory, Ron is indeed just a young Dumbledore. Though they couldn't seem like more different characters, they do share some key characteristics. Let's look at the facts.
- They're both redheads
- They both enjoy candy and chocolate
- They've both injured their left legs at some point
- They're both written as having "large hands"
The theory also points to the chess scene in the Sorceror's Stone, in which Ron plays a Knight.
The chess game works as a metaphor for the whole series, with the larger war between Good and Evil playing out over several moves. In the scene, Ron is a Knight, which fits his role in the overall saga. So if Ron is a Knight, what does that make Dumbledore? A King.
That reminds me. What was that song that the kids used to sing to make fun of Ron?
VIA YURCHAN
So Ron is a Knight and a King, himself and Dumbledore. But how does a thing like that happen? It could be that Ron was trying to change the past but went back too far, or maybe he accidentally switched on the Time-Turner when he was looking for his DVR remote.
However it occurred, Dumbledore as a time-traveling Ron would explain how Dumbledore always seems to know what's going on. Without this knowledge, he's just a magical plot device that gets the characters out of jams by the virtue of being a wise old man. It makes way more sense if you conclude that Dumbledore has lived these events before. He has to abide by the flow of time, so he's powerless to stop the return of Voldemort and the deaths of so many of his friends.
But wait, isn't Dumbledore supposed to be gay? Ron married Hermoine and they presumably went on to have awkward Weasley sex to spawn all those children -- that sounds pretty straight.
Then again, Dumbledore is experienced in long-term beards.
5. Ginny dosed Harry with a love potion
Ever notice how Harry just sort of spontaneously has the hots for Ginny Weasley all of a sudden? It comes on pretty quick during the Half-Blood Prince. I mean, you can explain most teenage actions by pointing to their throbbing biological urges, but you figure there would have been some sort of lead-up. By the time Ginny and Harry start gettin' hot n' heavy, Harry was well into puberty and had already cultivated a forest of lightning-shaped pubes.
Yeah, it was pretty obvious that Ginny had a thing for Harry, but the feelings weren't reciprocated for the longest time. Then all of a sudden Harry fell for her and they get married and have kids.
It's like magic. Well, more like a potion. One of the most fucked up things J.K. Rowling ever included in the Potter universe was the love potion, which is exactly what it sounds like: they have the ability to make a target lust after the desired subject. Given the sudden love-in, there's a good possibility that Ginny used that potion to make Harry fall for her, without Harry's consent. Even Ginny's mom admitted to using a love potion when she was in school. Combined with the fact that Fred and George Weasley sell these abhorrent potions, the abuse of the concoctions would seem to run in the family.
Using magic roofies are a violation of trust, not to mention incredibly dangerous. And yet, it explains so much. After years of pining for Harry, Ginny gave into her darker side and secretly spiked his butterbeer with a love potion. It was probably just a few drops; enough to keep him jealous and anxious, but not enough to raise suspicion. All she had to do was keep him dosed at all times and voila! Ginny snagged herself the Boyfriend Who Lived. Look at the way she clutches her property.
Who knows, maybe Ginny is still juicing Harry's chocolate frogs to this day, afraid of the moment that he snaps out of his trance and realizes he doesn't love her. You'd almost feel sorry for her if she wasn't brainwashing another human being.
4. Muggles already had a war with Wizards (and won)
It's always been kind of weird that the wizarding world has felt the need to hide themselves from Muggles. There's a real air of superiority over the non-magically inclined, if not outright racist then it's sort of a soft condescension; Arthur Weasley in particular treats Muggles as though they were a particularly fascinating meerkat family on NatGeo. So why do the magic-inclined bother hiding at all?
Well, maybe wizards didn't always cower in secret. Maybe they were free and open in the Muggle world, and it didn't end well for wizards.
Anyone familiar with Harry Potter knows that the Ministry of Magic regulates pretty much everything remotely fantastical. You can't say as much as "Accio Corn Dog!" without the Ministry jumping up your ass. It so backwards and beaurocratic that it seems like a Muggle invention. And it probably is.
Really, something like the "Ministry of Magic" sounds like one department in a larger government body, one that might include "Ministry of Agriculture," "Minister of Foreign Affairs" and "Ministry of Mister Mister." So just maybe it's the other way around -- Muggle governments know about wizards and use the Ministry to control them. There might've been a past conflict between Muggles and the Magic, but the sheer numbers (and the advent of gunpowder) made sure the wizards were outdone.
So why don't we see any lingering evidence of this past war? Well, maybe we have, and we never realized it.
Avada Kedavra. The killing spell. A term made up specifically for the Harry Potter, it's always had kind of a familiar ring to it. It seems to have a lot in common with the generic illusionist term "Abra Kadabra." You know, the phrase used by cheesy birthday magicians and terribly catchy 80s songs.
But maybe that means something. Maybe Muggles heard "Avada Kedavra" so much during their war with the wizards that it stuck with them. But over the years, after it wasn't heard as much and magic grew into something as a joke, it got warped into "Abra Kadabra."
I wanna reach out and grab ya
DAMMIT NOW IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD
3. Hufflepuff is the stoner house
via DestinationHogwarts
Of the four houses at Hogwarts, Hufflepuff has always been the odd one out. Gryffindor is for heroes, Slytherin is for villains and Ravenclaw is for cool people who smell good -- but Hufflepuff is just kind of lame. Deep down, it's no one's first choice. Other than being humdrum, Hufflepuff doesn't really have a fixed identity. Unless you count the part where the entire house is full of potheads.
Man, how did we not see this before? This is the house that's known for being the most good-natured and friendly, and it's because everyone is high all the time. The reason Edward Diggory looks dopey every minute of his life is because he's always megabaked. Hell, Hufflepuff is located right next to the kitchen, so they're munchie-adjacent. Plus, the head of their house teaches herbology. And come on, it's right in the name: HUFFlePUFF. Something tells me they're not named after a magic dragon.
2. The mindblowing secret of The Deathly Hollows
You remember the story of the Deathly Hallows, right? Hermoine tells the story, as she says it: "Three bros who meet Death and get some rad shit I guess? I don't know, I don't really pay attention in class." Again, her words. She's not really the most eloquent or studious, so let me run it down.
Death tries to trick three brothers by offering them gifts for their "cunning." The first brother wants a superweapon and is granted the Elder Wand, but quickly makes enemies and dies for power. The second brother asks Death for a way to bring back his dead wife, and uses his new Resurrection Stone to do just that; when the wife withers away, the second brother commits suicide, dying for lost love. The third brother asks for a way to hide from Death, and uses the Cloak of Invisibility to escape his fate until he's an elderly man; at that point, the third brother greets Death like an old friend and passes on.
When you lay it all out like that, it sounds kind of familiar.
via mad42sam
That's right -- the story of the Deathly Hallows directly correlates to the stories of Voldemort, Harry Potter and Severus Snape. Voldemort, as you know, died for power after trying to rule the world without being able to breathe through his nose. Harry Potter faced his fate and then chatted with Dumbledore in the Wizard Matrix Afterlife; he greeted death like an old friend. Snape may be the most tragic of all, as he died for a lost love, Lily Potter.
The craziest part? Dumbledore is all three brothers.
We know that Dumbledore craved power in his teenage years. Then he lost his belovedsister. Then, Dumbledore greeted death like an old friend -- in a preplanned "murder" from his years-old chum Severus Snape.
It all connects! Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle. Both are J.K. Rowling.
1. The Dursleys have a very good reason for being so terrible
From the very beginning, we're lead to believe that the Dursley family is the absolute worst. They forbid Harry from going to Hogwarts, locked him away for months at a time and probably also recline their seats on airplanes. They're real pieces of shit.
The Dursleys are so bad it's almost comical. Yeah, Dudley sort of makes peace with his cousin and Harry might've not grown up so humble if he didn't have such a godawful upbringing, but that doesn't excuse the Dursleys from being a barrel of fermented buttmunches.
Well, besides the fact that it's all Harry's fault.
As repugnant as they are, the Dursleys were nice enough to at least take in the orphaned Harry into their home. It's an act of charity that doesn't exactly gel with the jaded monsters that we see later on, so something must have happened in those ten years to make them hard, disgruntled and callous human beings. It's like they had a Horcrux living under the stairs of their home.
Remember, a Horcrux is any vessel that houses a piece of Voldemort's twisted soul -- and that includes Harry Potter himself. Horcruxes radiate poison; just being close to them will drive you mad.
For instance, near the end of the series, the gang is traveling the globe in an attempt to destroy all of the Horcruxes, and slowly each of them starts to unwind. Ron started feeling it after just a few weeks of Horcrux Hunting. And poor Ginny, she was stuck for a whole year with Tom Riddle's diary (also a Horcrux) back during The Chamber of Secrets, and that ordeal nearly killed her. Horcruxes are like if someone dipped the One Ring in a vat of ketchup water and then made plans with you and forgot to text you that they were bailing on you so you show up at the Chili's and eat Chili's alone and you are the saddest person at the Chili's full of people sad enough to eat at Chili's.
Horcruxes are a bad scene.
What does this have to do with the Dursleys? Well, if Ron was in dire straights after under a month with a Horcrux, imagine spending an entire decade living with something eating away at you year after year. To say you'd turn out to be a prolapsed asshole would be an understatement.
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